I am starting to wonder who am I? Where do I belong and why am I here? What do I want? I ask myself these questions all the time. When I try to come up with a logical answer I can not. I can not answer these questions because I do not know. I am 22 years old and I should know these answers. I am lost! I keep doing what everyone expects me to do. If everyone knew what was on my mind lately they would probably kick my a**. I know he would for sure. Does it ever get better?
Sometimes I do not understand why I actually care. I am to the point to where I do not care about some people because they do not care about me. Sometimes I feel so alone in this world. When I am not with the people that care about me and love me. Other times I feel like it is me against the world and Im falling fast and no one is there to catch me. Im afraid that if I fall I will not be able to get back up on my own. I have been keeping my head held high like I promised him I would, but I feel like its slowly falling down itself. I ask myself what should I do? I will continue to hold my head up no matter how bad it gets. I feel like I am in a losing battle, but at the same time I feel like I can win. Most days I put on a brave face and make the world think that I am okay , but knowing deep down inside that I am falling apart. You make me feel bad always rubbing him in my face and telling me that in time it will happen for you. Well it feels like time is running out for me. Im tired of being alone and Im tired of people rubbing in my face. I will keep fighting my battle.
Wow Im suppose to respect you but yet you can not even treat me with damn respect. No asking you just tell me. Then people wonder why the hell I dont like talking much anymore and I just want to stay by myself. You would rather talk to your guy friend. Its like Im not even here. You will stop our convo for him. I am a person and I have damn feelings too. Wait I forgot that you do not care. Im just another person in your life that apparently does not matter. I know everyone says life is not fair but for years not it seems like I have been treated this way. I no longer want to be your third wheel. I want to be your friend and not a tag along anymore. I know here I am your friend but when we go home I seem to be nothing just a tag along. No call no text and then you wonder why I send one word messages, but then I again I forgot you do not care. I have put up with that way too long now. Am i just a nobody? Am I just someone you talk to just to get you by during the day? Whatever the excuse is it better be good. Im sick and tired of this but yet you do not understand how I feel. Maybe you should just ask me.. But I guess my feeling and opinions do not matter.. I guess they never did.
Thinking can be a slightly scary thing. But Idk what im suppose to do. Im trying to think my way through the situation but I feel like Im failing at it. Seems like everything is just coming all at once. Im to the point to where I do not want to be bothered. Im thinking Im tired of being this strong person for everyone else. Im tired of being the strong person in general. But if Im not then who? I know that God a strong person for me. Im just tired of all this crap.. Im ready to break. Thinking might not fix this but at least I can try.
I really do not know what to do anymore. You make me feel like a complete idiot and you really do not care. You think it is ok to treat us like shit. I just want to crawl into a hole and not come out for a bit. If I do not return do not worry i will eventually come back. He keeps telling me not to quit that I can do this. Why do I almost believe him? He told me not to give up with all the effort that I have put into this class. But Im not for sure if I can keep going. According to him I can and I will. That I can fight this. How am I suppose to fight a losing battle? And win? I felt like a really smart person and now I ask myself is it all just a show? Am i really smart? He brings me back up when I am down and knows excatly what to say to make things better. After you told me not to give up once again I knew I was not going too but it was just a thought. My best friend just so you know when I saw you in the hall way today you stopped me from punching the wall you just do not know that yet.. Do not be mad at me.. Im just really upset and wanted to punch something so I beat my couch up instead
When someone tells you to be yourself you ask them which one. Because we spend our whole lives trying to figure out who we really are.
I know what it takes, but sometime I think that I can not do it. Sometimes I think why the hell am I still here? But then I remember I do not want to end up like them. I have the greatest support group, but sometimes that does not help make things better. I see your little smile and it lights my world up and I remember I can do this no matter how I feel. Im doing this for me not for anyone else.